(Hilary Valdez)
After countless hours of conducting group therapy for men, it is safe to say that we live in a world filled with complexities and challenges. The men gathered in therapy were there for a reason: to seek wisdom. They were determined to learn how to become better individuals, husbands, fathers, and community members. Each man faced their own struggles and were eager to find answers and improve their mental health.
As a trauma specialist, I’m not a Mr. Bubbly type. I’m searching for resolution of personal issues within each man. A lot of the combat warriors, sometimes 12 in a group, were hard core tough guys, with strong egos, bursting with bravado and self-confidence. I questioned myself: how do I engage with these men? How about starting with the importance of male privilege? What is it? After minutes of banter and setting aside of inflated and competitive egos the answer was: “Male privilege is being compassionate, helpful, and civil. It’s respecting women, protecting the weak, and controlling one’s sexual impulses.” Then the discussion switched to being agents of change in a world plagued by violence and injustice. What if the men stopped violence: could the world change for the better?
In group, the emphasis was on the value of introspection and the need to let go of judgments. Each man fought against their own denial and the importance of facing their truth and beliefs to improve themselves, their families, and the world. Some guys that were willing to change were advocating for self-reflection while urging others to ask themselves what they could do to contribute positively to the world and their relationships. After a brief contemplative silence, the group listened intently, as I spoke about wisdom, luck, and the significance of learning from one’s behavior and adjusting for personal success. I emphasized that as people made their way through life, over time, they evolve into different versions of themselves. They go through transformations. A group member reminded the men of the need to protect their well-being and be cautious with self-talk, saying, “You are precious cargo.” A goal was finding meaning after a traumatic event by searching for a universal thread of comprehension, which required putting a layer of understanding on top of gut feelings.
Navigating the traumatic memories of combat hardened Marines, Special Operations Explosive Ordinance Disposal Teams, and Military Police, the men began to realize the power they held within themselves to navigate the instability and ambiguities of life. They learned to balance fluidity and rigidity and recognize that harmony could be achieved through opposing forces. We discussed the concept of neutral optimism and finding a middle ground between blind positivity and unwarranted pessimism. They were encouraged to identify what they wanted in life and address the effects of combat and what their actions and thinking had on themselves and others, and what needed to change. This is Solution Focus Therapy in action aka Rational Emotive Therapy and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, combined.
With time and diligence, the men grew wiser and stronger, embracing other parts of themselves and their roles as compassionate and empathetic individuals. They learned optimism and to see people as valuable, and recognized that human beings, and themselves, were not that different from one another. The therapeutic discussions resonated deeply, as these heroic and brave front line defenders of freedom, vowed to live their lives with empathy, compassion, and integrity. Together, they became a force for positive change, proving that when men choose to challenge themselves, societal norms while embracing and balancing their fragility and strength, they can reshape the world into a more peaceful and understanding place.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
