(Hilary Valdez)
Men and women want the same thing: to feel good about themselves, to feel worthwhile, and to be loved. We all need about the same amount of love. When it comes to love and commitment in a relationship, men are constantly navigating instability, ambiguity, and uncertainness. This results in a guy being close physically, yet distant emotionally. For some men, a commitment can be a walk of fear, when it should be a walk of destiny. Emotions need chemistry. Yet, some men are emotionally restrictive. They were raised that way.
Over the past 20 years changes in gender roles have occurred in the workforce. Men have less full-time work; women have more full-time work. Training in new jobs are about tapping keyboards and dealing with people. Today, men need to acquire the skills that are essential to success in a modern economy; then adjust to the male and female roles in society and within the family. Changes in male and female roles is inevitable, but it’s awkward for men. Role shifting is a process of adjustment. Our sense of self goes along with our social role. But the male role requires a man to be tough, unsentimental and emotionally unexpressive.
Men fight a lifetime of powerful messages: Be a man. Big boys don’t cry. Compete: not all men compete very well. Competition means losing. And some guys are not interested in competing. For some men these messages are troublesome. Some men identify with traditional male stereotypes, the more tension and anxiety they experience. Men who have high degrees of gender role conflict usually experience poor self-esteem, issues with intimacy, increased stress, hypertension, marital, and relationship problems.
Male issues include depression, anger, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress, and physical abuse. Some men hide their spontaneous inner experience from themselves and from others. They hide much of their real selves. Men fear rejection, risking vulnerability, transparency, and fear of labeling. They especially do not want to talk about physical or sexual abuse experienced in their childhood. In therapy a lot of guys were angry. Anger hides a lot of emotions and prevents the expression of other feelings. Underneath anger is pain. Underneath pain is frustration. Underneath frustration is hurt and grief. It takes a while to peel back layers of defenses before reaching the truth. What happened to you when you were young stays with you.
Some guys are carrying an emotional duffle bag filled with heartache. With self-disclosure men typically reveal less personal information about themselves. Men tell you about their future work goals. Some men hide themselves because it’s not manly to be psychologically vulnerable. When this happens, he will be difficult to love. This results in unmet needs. But psychological vulnerability equals intimacy. Yet, many men are uncomfortable talking about feelings or emotions.
As we all know, life can be like a psych ward. Searching for love and finding a suitable mate is life’s most difficult task. Look at divorce rates. Divorce means a love lost, and the pain pierces a guys soul and finds a parking spot in his heart. For some men, it’s difficult enhancing his romantic value, and harmony in a relationship; it’s like navigating a maze, a social tug of war. It’s a hard walk for some guys, some lack social skills or confidence to maintain a relationship, or even a conversation.
The struggle men face is learning to be confident not rigid. Being assertive not arrogant or abrasive. Being firm yet patient. Being hard yet reasonable. And identifying with people while maintaining his own identity. To accomplish this a man’s task is to seek barriers within himself that he has built against love, trust, honesty, or openness. Each man needs to take an emotional leadership role and clarify his basic beliefs about himself. There is a psychological threshold to cross. For some guys it’s like sinking in emotional quicksand. When a man faces his fears, he can find unexpected strength while expanding his inner boundaries. The problem here is that men don’t always want advice, they want understanding.
The challenge in a relationship with a man is to promote togetherness and create a cooperative friendly environment. Sanity navigation is trying to understand the cause of his emotions and re-align foggy thinking. Growing into manhood, each guy gets psychologically sliced up a little bit. But each guy has to make his way and go beyond what he knows. The cycle of growth is tackling your struggles. What is bothering you? Make it clear and solve it. Any grief a guy has, it must ooze out and be squeezed out gradually. Grief relief is found in sharing your story. Painful memories don’t suddenly disappear, especially from traumatic events. Growth at times is an uneasy balance or re-balancing. Some men struggle to reinvent themselves, but you can’t expect more than you give.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
