(Hilary Valdez)
“The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy.” -Sigmund Freud
As a clinician conducting group therapy with mostly men, there was always an underlying agony in the struggle for inner peace. The groups, comprised of veterans from Iraq wars and some from Vietnam, struggled to live with their confusion, until clarity could emerge, if ever. Some issues therapy cannot take away. Much of their internal turmoil and confusion arises from past traumatic experiences and what the future holds.
Having clients struggle with their darkness or memories and revealing them with the group, is a challenge. Yet therapy can only progress as fast as the clients resistance will allow. There is no delete button for the images of madness, mayhem, and human suffering of war. The irony is that we all have a dark side. Even happy people have a dark side. Learning to live with your dark side and balance internal conflicts and ambivalence can be a steppingstone toward growth.
Many men do not want to share vulnerabilities. However, from vulnerability comes strength. Men who choke back their feelings, die earlier. Unexpressed frustration, anger and emotions don’t suddenly disappear. But buried emotions are in a glass coffin for all to see, buried alive, and in time can or will be expressed and acted out in harmful ways. Anger and regret are soul eating issues. All humans struggle with mainly three daily internal life forces: a joyous moment, a problem to be solved, and one sorrow or painful memory. “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” C.G. Jung
When you lose a close friend or a spouse, you carry a reflection of them, they are a part of your internal life, forever. You shared meaningful moments. Yet to emotionally survive, a person must master the pain. The therapeutic goal is to replace denial with acceptance, reduce resistance with a plan for growth and acceptance. The plan is to promote inner peace and harmony while giving yourself love and support to increase emotional resilience. The new priority is realizing and accepting hurt, pain, and bitterness and focus on your well-being. “It is that we are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helplessly unhappy as when we have lost our loved object or its love.” Sigmund Freud
To find inner peace, a person has to look into their heart, then your visions become clear. One has to be honest with their feelings, open to feedback and be willing to change. To accomplish this means embracing the moment, then struggle and work through your feelings of despair, hurt, frustration, and pain. The only way out, is in. “The adventure of life is to learn. The purpose of life is to grow. The nature of life is to change. The challenge of life is to overcome. The essence of life is to care. The opportunity of life is to serve. The secret of life is to dare. The spice of life is to befriend. The beauty of life is to give.” William Arthur Ward
To start the journey of recovery, practice positive self-talk. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with care. Embrace your limitations and imperfections with all its pimples and dimples. When you look in the mirror smile and say something nice to yourself. Create emotional resilience: “I’m getting better and better every day in every way.” Don’t over analyze yourself with critical self-talk. Maintaining negative emotions prevents you from growing and usurps your positive energy from developing inner peace. If you say something negative about yourself, say two things positive about yourself. Pick and choose your social group carefully. We become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Walk the journey of recovery and step on the stone as it appears and go “fear-ward.”
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” Kahlil Gibran
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
