(Hilary Valdez)
Decades ago, when I was a Federal Investigator with the Department of Justice in Washington, D.C., I attended numerous training courses. One of the most important courses was resolving conflict. As a freshly minted college graduate with a degree in experimental psychology, I thought I understood the basic concepts of stimulus-response. What was missing was my understanding of the paradoxes and complexities of conflict resolution and the interplay of human emotions. Enter the shocking reality of field assignments and attempting to resolve conflicts of a varied social nature. So much for Ivan Pavlov and his classical conditioning experiments with dogs.
Dealing with opposing groups, my task was to strengthen interpersonal connections and foster harmonious relationships. To accomplish this required an understanding of the dynamics that shape human interactions. But people are at different levels of functioning and commitment to resolve a conflict. The key was to prioritize self-awareness, build trust, and adaptability, while creating a deeper connection within the group to build a foundation for successful conflict resolution.
One of my most difficult assignments was to settle a dispute between two motorcycle gangs. In this case it was about symbolism and the same color of bandanas being worn by both groups. Their actions were tied to core values. Both groups had to embrace uncertainty and the emotional complexity to navigate the intricacies of the symbolism. After a few days, we cultivated a tolerance for ambiguity, approaching the conflict with openness and searching for solutions. Balancing authenticity with adaptability was crucial. These tough guys were staying true to themselves and their rigid beliefs, but were open to each other’s viewpoints, or so I thought. It was my role to create an environment of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Not an easy task for me against these streetwise, people-smart, life-smart, tough guys.
Most people appreciate and respect honesty. This was not a time to bluff my way through a negotiation. I understood my strengths, weaknesses, and emotional patterns, which enabled me to engage more effectively with the group. By recognizing my attributes, I could leverage my strengths and limitations and address the tension breeding factors within the group. Honesty usually begets honesty. So, I keyed into my intuition as a guide in navigating the conflict. Training classes suggested listening to your inner voice and embracing your instincts, then you can make more confident decisions and foster a sense of authenticity in your interactions. It takes a while to trust yourself and your instincts.
Unfortunately, the longer it took me to resolve this conflict, meant the longer I stayed in the field. No returning to home base until a settlement was reached. So, I wanted to resolve problems not create them. I had to pay attention as to what came out of my mouth. Every time I opened out mouth, it was my brain on parade. As a Fed, initially the groups mistrusted me. I knew from clinical training that a client can only progress as fast as resistance will allow. The more resistance, the slower the progress. Both leaders and senior members observed that I was addressing the conflict head-on and proactively seeking resolutions, my behavior created a sense of trust and harmony in our relationship. By asking both sides to take ownership of their role in the conflict and work collaboratively to find solutions, it strengthened their connections and built resilience.
There was a lot of distrust between the two groups, they actually had a history of clashes with each other. One of my objectives was to humanize the conflict and redirect negative emotions. I listened to the grievances of both sides and assisted them in recognizing the inherent humanity in themselves and others. Once the gang members softened their tough image, and alpha male attitudes, they could address the conflict with empathy and compassion. By acknowledging their emotions, anger, underlying disputes, and negative feelings, they were gradually reaching a point of understanding and identifying a common ground.
Unfortunately, after a two-day break to privately reflect on the issues and discuss solutions among themselves: violence broke out. That outcome did not go well with the Regional Director, now he was in the hot seat to explain to his superiors as to why this case ended in violence. In his office on the 18th floor, he lectured me saying: harmony in relationships requires continuous effort and a commitment to understanding ourselves and others. I needed to create relationships built on empathy, trust, mutual respect and genuine connections. Resolving conflict and building emotional resilience were essential skills for navigating life’s complexities and fostering harmonious relationships. He scolded me stating I needed to develop a solution-focused mindset. Feeling defeated, I traveled to my next assignment to a state prison, to assess prisoner grievances. What did Pavlov say, again?
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
