(Hilary Valdez)
Are you still with the same romantic partner from high school? Well, that depends on your age. The road of romance is littered with the remnants of emotional grief, sorrow, and heartache. Regardless of the era of time, relationships have always been a challenge. My parents survived the Depression, World War II and the Korean War. I’m sure your grandparents went through similar events. Then, their children experienced the Vietnam conflict, and their grandchildren, the Middle East skirmishes.
After eight years working as a Federal Investigator meeting unsavory characters, I began thinking of my future. I was single, traveling weekly, performing a variety of nefarious and dangerous assignments. One horrifying day I reasoned: I may die today or tomorrow, so I must live fully today.
Transferring to Tokyo and switching careers, I linked with DoD, and began counseling single active duty, and married couples. As tensions heated up in the Middle East, I began trauma and grief counseling and training casualty assistance officers. War meant lengthy separations for many couples. Some relationships ended quietly during the conflicts; others were ignited with passion and urgency. In some relationships, emotional intimacy often deepened in absence: a shared sacrifice often led to deeper mutual respect. Some couples, unraveled under the strain of time, due to the uncertainty, and length of multiple deployments.
Regardless of the war, The Viking Age, 790s to the late 11th century, the Mongolian Wars, the Civil War; families were distraught due to enduring, terrible conditions. In conflict and trauma, resilient partnerships can strengthen between couples. In the aftermath of Mount Vesuvius erupting over Pompei, bodies were discovered with couples clutching each other in the final throes of life: they still chose each other.
During counseling sessions, I noticed some couples built stronger relationships because of what they survived together. During trauma de-briefings, some survivors learned to live with both love and loss, holding the memory of the other as sacred even in absence. War has always tested the framework of a relationship and love. It separates and reunites, destroys and reveals. In the darkest of times, it often brings out the most enduring expressions of devotion, sacrifice, and emotional strength.
I have conducted countless clinical sessions for the Navy, Army, and Marines, at in-patient hospital wards, out-patient clinics, on the scene trauma accidents, and crisis intervention scenarios. There is no question about it, when men returned from war; tensions and transformations were created when discovering their wives were more independent, self-sufficient, and changed. Deployments saw massive role shifts as women proved their capability, managing the family, leading to long-term changes in gender roles, employment, and marital expectations.
Intimacy suffered when veterans returned home unable to communicate or connect. War often left men emotionally distant and burdened with unspoken trauma, survivor’s guilt, post-traumatic stress, hyper-vigilance and substance abuse. Women were often expected to be caretakers and emotional anchors, even while carrying their own grief and burdens. Many marriages endured in silence, while others dissolved under the weight of emotional wounds. Active-duty suicides occurred and are still occurring. A wife is a life partner not a certified psychologist trained in trauma resolution. Expecting your wife to be your therapist is unrealistic.
In the honeymoon cycle of any relationship, things are cheery and rosy. At some point, you scratch your head disillusioned. Character defects are showing, values are slightly different. Then a person may become miserable, groaning over their choice in mates. Enter the “Working Stage.” Do you love this person enough to make adjustments and together take some growth steps toward self-improvement? Playing musical beds doesn’t help the situation. Each new hand you hold, has different issues to deal with. As the song goes: “Love the one you’re with.”
Love begins within you. If you love yourself and respect yourself, then you can see love in the other person. Just have to work it like Grandma and Grandpa did during the tough times. Life has no end of difficulties. So, don’t create problems, resolve them. Communicate with your partner start, with “I feel.” messages. “I need.” “I want.” “I expect.” Lack of communication leads to distrust, suspicion, self-doubt and insecurity. Openness brings trust. Be faithful, infidelity leads to divorce. Manage money together. Stay within your budget, this will reduce anxiety and stress. Avoid domestic violence and substance abuse, including over drinking. Bedroom performance disappears with excessive chemical consumption. And, if you need a mental health checkup, volunteer to help yourself and your family. Real intimacy is being transparent by sharing your vulnerabilities and feelings. Live fully today. Don’t count on tomorrow.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
